Well guys, we’re down to the wire. Six days until take off.

Today I initially planned on writing about why I chose to travel to New Zealand for a year, until I realized that I had pretty much covered that in my entry last Wednesday. Whoops. Got a bit ahead of myself there.

I then contemplated writing about the process of getting ready for New Zealand, or maybe what I’ve been up to since I got back to Portland. None of that really seemed interesting to me though. Oh being back in Portland has been fun, what with LeakyCon and garage sales and catching up with friends, but I figured it’s not of much interest to anyone but myself. As for prepping for this trip, well, I might write something along those lines later on, but I’ll probably wait until I’ve actually done a bit of traveling first. I also don’t really have anything of interest to contemplatively write about today. I’m actually pretty brain dead at the moment. I just emailed my college adviser the final draft of my Theatre Arts capstone, ie. the last college paper I ever have to write. While I’m overjoyed, I am also exhausted. I’d take an impromptu nap right now except, y’know, doing so in a public library filled with children probably wouldn’t be the best idea.

So instead, I thought I might share some poetry.

This is a series of poems I’ve been working on since the start of the year. The title of each poem represents how many more months I have left to go until I leave for New Zealand. Each one reflects what was happening in my life during the time I wrote it, as well as what was going on in my mind in relation to this upcoming trip. They’re not my best work, but I still like how most of them turned out. I hope you do as well.

I realize poetry isn’t the most interesting thing to share on a blog mostly dedicated to travels, but writing poetry has become such a big part of my life over the last couple years that it was bound to happen at some point anyway. Might as well make it now.

~~~~~*~

six.

My thoughts are 6,523.6 miles away
and it is impossible to call them back.

I dream in green rolling fields,
pinnacle landscapes, breathtaking beaches,
cerulean skies, vast high dives,
adventure in my lungs.

The regions roll off my tongue.

The town of the Queen,
the church of the Christ,
the land of the Auck.

The countdown has begun

until I kindle with Kiwis
until I fly the coop
until I shake this Texas dust off of my boots
and then I shall be wild and young and bold and free
and in a land so new to me.

I fight to keep myself grounded against this impetuous plight,
but my mind is a lost cause
for my thoughts take flight

6,523.6 miles away.

~~~~~*~

five.

let me out
let me out
let me out

i’ve never been the type of girl
who shoves her face against a pillow’s front in
order to scream
for five minutes straight
due to the sheer amount of agonizing anxiety
she’s got wound up inside of
her
but today i became that girl
crocodile tears and all

wishing to be surrounded by sheep
to zorb, to run, to fall from the sky
to try something new for once
to seize this coward’s life and take a stab at bravery
deep in your heart, in your fields, in your greenery
i’m tired of this bullshit philosophizing
when i should be busy
coming to terms with what it means to be human

the moment that my visa went through
i knew i’d be useless
to this endless education

let me out
let me out
let me out

let me in
let me in
let me in

~~~~~*~

four.

Excitement runs rampant,
while worry sets in.

None of that
“well maybe this is a bad idea”
“oh, I’ve changed my mind”
“what was I even thinking”
bullshit you might expect
from another human being.

My worry stems from guilt.

A wedding for an old friend and his gal,
a possible class reunion filled with faces
I haven’t seen in years, and canceled
beach plans previously discussed.

Santa Con.
ER marathons.
Nancy Drew games.
San Diego Comic Con.
Breaking Bad big reveals.
Going out with Portland pals.
Bonding with baby half cousins.
Adventures to NYC to meet TPers.

And birthdays.
So many birthdays.

No Thanksgiving preparations,
for lack of family and lack of country.
No opening presents on Christmas morn,
decorating the trees, setting up the lights,
walking around Pioneer deep in search.

A year I should be spending with my father.
A year I should be bonding with my brother.
A year I should be reuniting with my family.

I’m terrified that my time there
will be all for naught
when there are a million other things
I could be doing with my year.

Please let this be worth it.

~~~~~*~

three.

breath hasn’t been coming easily to me as of late
I’ve grown accustomed to sleepless nights and horrid thoughts
an anxious anxiety that permeates within my soul

but all I need do is place my hands on my stomach and just think
to be there
to be in you
to be surrounded by you
and it makes the breath come back in waves and renews
the heart in me that fears the worst

but not only that

this week has not been good for us as a people
what does it say that I feel afraid
to walk on the soil to which I call home?

and I’ve begun to contemplate
whether or not this one year excursion
might turn into something more than just
a meager diversion from reality

maybe it’s destiny, maybe just a vacation
but I cannot deny this question has been on my mind:

will I even want to come back?

~~~~~*~

 two.

sometimes I close my eyes
and try to envision what it will be like
somehow sheep always work
themselves into my visions

(statistic: there are
seven sheep to every kiwi)

but when it comes down to the fact
I can’t imagine how it will be

the uncertainty
the insurgency
the enormity

the freedom

no permanent residence
no Christmas tree in December
no room to call my own
no sense of home

just a pack flung on my back
the wide open road
and my heart’s song

I think I can live with that

~~~~~*~

one.

do not travel for anyone
but yourself

do not do it because it’s what’s
expected
do not do it because it was
recommended
do not do it because it was
forced
do not do it because you
might as well

do it for yourself

see something new
feel something new
eat cuisine you wouldn’t find in
your local grocery store
dance to music
you’ve never heard before
speak to natives
take a million pictures
soak it all in

lap up this life
one city at a time
because before you know it
you’ll be out of chances

life is so much more than
what surrounds us

go see it